Monday, September 20, 2004

Date me on the internet


z balances wine Posted by Hello

I am a dedicated internet dater.

Occupation:
i fight nuclear proliferation, for obvious reasons

Ethnicity:
Ukranian/Grape products

Religion:
Dionysus, for obvious reasons

Star Sign:
Libra Sure, I guess I'll believe in astrology. Who am I to judge the limits of reality, I have a wine bottle growing out of my head, after all

MY GOODS

Height:
6' 2"
Weight:
120 lbs
Hair:
Brown
Eye Color:
Blue

TIP OF THE ICEBERG

Last great book I read
When I was a wee girl I was living with my mum and pop in the Ukraine, close to Lviv, in a small town you wouldn't have heard of. My parents ran the local bar, and I helped them serve tables, dressed in a fetching pink pinafore. The main source of employment in the town was the nuclear waste storage facility; the head engineer spent an hour in our bar every day at lunch. He was so nice - he always let me have a sip of his vodka.

Most humbling moment
After the fall of Communism our government ran out of money, and everyone working at the storage facility was paid in tampons.

Favorite on-screen sex scene
This wasn't as bad as it sounds because our town was pretty self-sufficient. People paid us at the bar in boxes of tampons, and we traded our tampons for groceries, and the grocer (a 28-year old physics PhD) printed up goofy Cyrillic labels and sold the tampons on eBay as collector's items. So it was a strange but functioning economy, and us children used to make jumpropes and tug-o-war ropes out of strings of tampons that we tied together.

Celebrity I resemble most
Still, the head nuclear engineer started to be bitter about getting his whole salary in the form of feminine hygiene products, and his erstwhile daily hour at our bar turned into two and sometimes three hours. He used to declaim passages from Dostoevsky's "Notes from the Underground" to me for ages with a red face, and sometimes he sobbed. Somewhere along the lines I think his quality standards slipped, and our whole town became extremely radioactive. The first strange thing we noticed was the glow-in-the-dark butterflies that came out around midnight. They'd try to attack you with their tiny teeth. Our dog sprouted a couple of extra tails all along her back, which she seemed happy about. My mum grew a third eye in the back of her head, although if you ask me, she always had one. We reported it to the government, and a weaselly little official showed up with a Geiger counter. As soon as he approached the town limits his counter started sounding like a hardcore techno track and he ran away in terror. After that they increased our tampon payments by twenty boxes a month in compensation for our hardship.

Best or worst lie I've ever told

And then a lot of people started to get bottlitis. The head engineer developed a stomachache; we thought it was probably his liver starting to fail from the alcoholism, but the next day a glass bottle of Stolichnaya grew right out of his belly-button.

If I could be anywhere at the moment
So I wasn't surprised when my own bottle of wine came in one day. It hurt for a couple of days - kind of like growing a new tooth, if you can remember that - but I can't complain; there are worse places it could be. (Ask me about the poor girl we called "Grappa Ass" some time.)

Song or album that puts me in the mood
And truthfully it wasn't that hard for me to adjust when I was living at home; most people in my town already had some kind of strange mutation, so I didn't feel like a freak. And as long as I included plenty of grapes in my diet, my bottle always replenished itself (although if I am greedy and don't wait long enough in between decanting myself, it just comes out as grape juice).

The five items I can't live without
So life was content and quiet, but I was restless. What was the rest of the world like? Surely there were places that didn't depend on a tampon economy, where you didn't have to sometimes tie your sandwich down to stop it leaping up at your throat, where you could put your children to bed secure in the knowledge that they'd still be the same species the next morning.

Fill in the blanks
corkscrew is sexy; twist-off is sexier

In my bedroom, you'll find
So I decided to come to America to find my fortune, whatever it may be. I quickly found a job as a spokesperson for nuclear non-proliferation activist groups. Unfortunately I have never been a rabble-rouser. I am Russian at heart and I prefer to accept the absurdities of life. So usually they trot me up onto stage for a few minutes and use my picture in their brochures, but if they have me answer questions I soon get distracted and begin regaling the audience with tales of building funny sculptures out of tampons. What can I say? I am just not a revolutionary.

WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME
I am supple, full bodied, and long on the palate, tasting of pear, vanilla, roasted nut, and baked apple, with low notes of lemongrass. My flavour has an intense and mysterious complexity. Oh, a quick note: I used to be 5'7". The new height includes the wine bottle.

MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR
Someone who is not freaked out by a woman of Russian ancestry with a bottle of wine growing out of her head.

1 Comments:

Blogger John Holt said...

Oh, sweet Zoe. When not guilelessly changing the world, you are truly a beacon unto all deliriously weird/funny people everywhere.

And I don't know of a single person who can look hot while balancing a wine bottle on her head. Good work.

Tee hee.

3:16 PM  

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